Ok, so first, we have to define the word “attractive.”

I define it as “somebody I am attracted to and want to be around.” I do not define it as “somebody I want to pass my genetic material on to and then never see again.”

See, one-night-stand material only covers one aspect of attractiveness, and that’s physical beauty. All you really need for that is to be 19. And that’s fine for a time. When I was 19, I figured that I’d work a job and spend my money on beer and heavy metal and the occasional girlfriend. And what was I looking for then? A pretty girl.

But then I grew up a little bit. Actually, I grew up a lotta bit. I can tell because when I was 28, I’d go to the Cal Poly gym and see the 19-year-old girls at their skimpily-clad best, and I remember thinking that even if I could be bothered to catch one, I’d throw her back. And not just because she’s too young to buy her own booze, not just because my friends would wonder what the hell I was doing. But because, well, pretty isn’t enough.¹

So the way I figure it, physical attractiveness is mostly about good health. It’s not enough to be thin, for instance. You can be thin and mushy, like Homer Simpson’s belly. One must be fit. You need to fill your skin with muscle. Thinness is a byproduct of good health, not a goal in and of itself.

Besides, you don’t have to be perfect — where by “perfect” I mean “a Victoria’s Secret model” — just fit, healthy, and strong. For my money, I think that the most attractive people on Earth are runners, and if any VS model can run more than about a mile, I’ll eat my hat.

Besides, attractiveness has three aspects, of which physical beauty is only one. Another is attitude, and Tyra Banks’ sucks.

The most physically attractive asset any person has is not breasts, though on a guy, they can be a conversation piece:

Guy 1: So, dude, that’s quite the rack you’ve got.

Boob Guy: It’s hard for me to leave the house, yeah.

Guy 1: From embarrassment?

Boob Guy: Dude, I’ve got fun-bags. What could the world have that would be more interesting? I’m just here for the booze.

No, the best asset anybody has is is a smile. It doesn’t matter if your teeth are perfect or you’ve got one missing. A real smile says so very much about a person. It says “I like to have fun.” It says “life may be difficult, but I take joy in it.” It says, “I’m glad to see you,” and that’s something that makes everybody feel good.

Think about you. Try to divorce yourself from your insecurities for a second. Have you ever received a genuine smile from a decent person and been put off, no matter how ugly or maimed that person was? No. I have a too-tall smile that shows too much of my gums and I’ve got a gap between my teeth that’ll keep me off TV for the rest of my life, but I love — love — smiling and laughing. And I know that when I smile, the world smiles with me and I like when the world smiles with me, so I keep doing it and will keep doing it even after I die, thanks to rigger-mortis.

Attitude is why depressed people are such a drag to be with. They don’t smile. They don’t have anything to look forward to. Since everything sucks, you suck, and that’s hard to be around.

Also, have you ever noticed that people who, for instance, run or bike or swim or lift weights or ride horses, are rarely depressed downers? Oh, sure, everybody’s got their moments, but no matter how bad stuff is, once you’ve put six more miles on your running shoes, it’s pretty hard to stay down.

The last important part of attractiveness — we’ve covered physical good health and a good attitude — is intelligence. Now, this one’s a little tricky. We have a lot of control over our physical health and our attitude, but how much can we control our intelligence? I don’t think anybody knows definitively. But I know this about it: you can use what you’ve got or you can squander it. Painting in broad strokes, people who read are more interesting to me than people who watch TV. Educated folks are more interesting than non-educated. People who continue learning are more interesting than those who are now set in their ways.

Similarly, it’s not just OK to have an opinion, it’s a good thing to have an opinion. I’ve had these conversations with people where I hear the same phrase repeated over and over and over: “I don’t know.” While nobody can know everything about everything, after about the ninth “I don’t know,” I begin hearing, “my intellect is severely narrow and your conversation is wasted on me — can we talk about a reality TV show?”

So while we are not all dealt the same hand in the IQ department, we can do the best with what we’ve got. I think that if we fill our heads with crap, we end up with crappy heads. To whit: When I run, I like listening to neo-classical music. That is to say, complex heavy metal, generally, and stuff with either a positive message or lyrics that tell a story. Why? It keeps my brain engaged, even as I’m using my body. Will it work for everybody? No. But stupid music will dumb anybody down.

I swear on Dio’s grave, the dumber your music is, the dumber you’re gonna be. And the dumber you are, the less able you are to reasonably deal with life’s difficulties. I suspect it’s why we don’t see a whole lot of really successful Katy Perry fanatics.

I have examples.

There’s this woman I know, Kristine. She is one of the most beautiful women I know, but came from a pretty bad place. When I first met her, she was overweight and vaguely dissatisfied with life. But she picked up running and lost a ton of weight and is now — well, lest I gush on and on, let me limit myself to saying she is very satisfying to lay eyes upon.

But what’s more important is that while Kristine is lovely to look at, she’s also fantastic to spend time with. She is tres funny and when she smiles, it feels like she’s only smiling at you. Her conversation gravitates toward self-improvement and a hunger for knowledge and a desire to make the world a better place.

It’s hard to be around her and not feel great. That is attractive.

My dead friend Bla— Shane was like that, too. He had tons of faults, including a bit of a beer-belly, but he completed the marathon I couldn’t, and even when he was complaining about stuff, he did it funny. He was free with his big goofy smile, and I cannot remember a time when he said no to including somebody — anybody — in the fun. He attracted people to him.

My sister is, perhaps, the single highest quality person I know. That in itself is attractive — people intuit what’s good and want to be around that. But she also ran her first official 5K race recently and did very well, and she has this enviable talent for making fun of people without making them feel bad about it. People like being around her.

All of which leads to this conclusion: I’m not kidding when I say that any problems you may have attracting a special somebody can be fixed with a pair of running shoes and some classical music. It’s not like there are a whole lot of fat, depressed, defeated, angry marathoners or triathletes out there. Go be one of them.

1. Don’t get me wrong, it helps. It’s not like there are a ton of websites featuring pictures of slightly dumpy smart girls. ↩