Dude, it’s me. I know, my hair is short, it’s for sports and— yes, sports. You’re a triathlete now your personal best is running 16  miles without stopping. That’s why I’m here.

Look, dude, I know how angry you are. You mellow out a bit by the time you’re 32, but you’re still a pretty angry dude and you should totally hear the new Iced Earth album. Oh, you haven’t started listening to Iced Earth yet. Umm… well, the new Megadeth is pretty good too.

Whatever. The point I’m trying to make here is that I listen to heavier, louder music now than you did when you were, uh, your age, so I’ve got credibility.

Look, here’s what’s up. You literally don’t have any friends and you know it. You don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do, and you’re just sitting there being offensive and pissed off and that is not helping your chances with the ladies. You need to do two things, and mom and dad will help. I know they will because you’re a dad now and I know that a parent will do anything — anything — to help make their kid better.

Yes, a dad, but it’s ok, she’s not biologically yours. You adopted her, but you don’t have to worry about the genes. You’ve always been right about that. So yeah, you’re married to a hottie who listens to — let’s see, what was important when I was your age? — Danzig and Iron Maiden and stuff.

Anyway, the two things. First, get your skinny, pasty ass to the gym. Do squats and bench presses and anything you can think of with dumbbells. Mom and dad will pay, just ask.

You don’t even have to talk to anybody. You can just take your iPod and a surly look and be left alone.

Crap, you’re right. Ok, well, take your Walkman, then. Make some 100-minute mixtapes. Mixtapes! Ha!

Here’s what that’ll do, not that you’re listening, you arrogant little shit. It’ll give you a reason to be arrogant. It’ll give you somewhere to put all that anger you’ve got, and that anger will turn into strength. You will be stronger than you can ever imagine, and that strength will be made of piss, vinegar, and hate. You will look better and your face won’t have venom written all over it and it’ll make you more likable.

Don’t mistake me. You’ll never be perfect. You still have your days, and you’re still an opinionated asshat that people don’t know how to deal with, but if you do what I say, you’ll be more attractive to girls and more fun for the guys. And you know what else? When you can bench press 1-½ times your body weight, you’re allowed to be a little arrogant.

Look, I gotta go. It’s time to take the girl to gymnastics and clean the kitchen. If you clean the kitchen before your hot wife gets home, your hot wife tends to be pretty rewarding, just sayin’. It’s something to look forward to.

The second thing is buy stock in Apple Computer. I know how you feel now, but trust me on this one.